Divine Gift of Agency

I believe, and am coming to a deeper understanding, of the divine gift of agency fought for in pre-morality. Our Heavenly Father desire to bless us with all He has is beyond our mortal comprehension. In my life I have found my personal wants and desires often stand as obstacles.

My vision and plan for my life is like a box; clear cut with walls and boundaries existing as goals or limitations, depending on your perspective. A couple of months ago during a therapy session my counselor helped me to recognize "my box". He posed the following questions, "What does the box look like? What is your fear of letting go of the box?" As I have pondered these questions the following thoughts have have risen:

• The box provides me with boundaries, which I often consider "safety nets". However these nets prevent significant growth and necessary experiences.
• In my mind, "the box" = expectations; thus resulting in my personal level of success. Without it I don't have a clear vision or understanding of whether or not I am "successful".
• The thought of ridding myself of "the box" frightens me because I will no longer have a means of measuring my success. I fear not being able to meet expectations, which I obviously cannot meet if there are none (i.e. no box).

I have come to the conclusion that "my box" could also be referred to as my comfort zone. During the session my counselor lovingly but also very bluntly said, "Your comfort zone equals damnation." I was floored. The scriptural meaning of damnation is often believed to be condemnation to an eternal punishment in hell. However, through my personal study I have come to understand damnation is not necessarily all "fire and brimstone" as often thought. Damnation is being stopped in our eternal progression towards God.

My first mission companion often said, "There's no growth in your comfort zone, and no comfort in your growth zone." My mission president frequently referenced Proverbs 29:18, "Where there is no vision the people perish: but he that hath the law, happy is he."

Now, you may be thinking, "Wait a minute, the points you present are contradictory." Please allow me to elaborate. It is necessary for there to be eternal laws, also known as commandments. However when we place mortal expectations/boundaries we are setting ourselves up for failure. The Lord's ways are perfect and pure. Our ways are not (please see Isaiah 55:8-9 and D&C 130:20-21).

This morning I watched a BYU-Idaho Alumni Spotlight on Amy Antonelli. Her statement at the very end struck me.

"People often are surprised at what they turn out to be interested in and life has a way of throwing things at you that you never would have expected... I think God has a way of preparing you for what He has in store for your life and you need to be open to hearing that." 


I like to believe I am not alone in the fact of having a specific plan in mind for my life. I feel prompted to share part of a journal entry (which I have changed from past tense to present). Perhaps you can relate to similar feelings in our own life.


22 August 2015
            Not once have things gone the way I had in mind, which can be really difficult at times- I have those fleeting thoughts, "Does God truly cares about me? Does He actually listens to my prayers and know me?" Oh how grateful I am that things have not go the way I had in mind. Because of Him, my life has been profoundly better.  I've had my share of personal doubts about about my individual worth and recent decisions to make major changes in my life (i.e. moving back to Utah). But despite these doubts I knew that nothing should override my initial and prominent goal: to live and share the gospel. To love and live for my God. Never would I let what I didn't have get in the way of that. Never would I let a change of course take away from me the unchangeable truth that if I am trying, I will be blessed. I will be taken care of, no matter what.

            Life is hard. My personal strength often isn't as strong as I need it to be. Times when it has been so hard I would metaphorically lay on my floor yelling at Him. Asking Him, "Where art thou?"  Openly I'd tell Him, "I can't do this," whatever the require task was at the time. But my commitment was never wavering. Had I not made a promise to myself and to God, I'm not sure if I'd be where I am today, doing the things I'm doing.  Sometimes, I force myself to use this faith that I don't think I have, but using every bit of my soul to never lose sight of the faith I do have. Sometimes I grasp to it with every bit of energy remaining, sometimes it is just beyond the reach of my fingertips while someone else is pulling me by the ankles in the opposite direction. I hold on to blessings I have received and what I read in the scriptures. Knowing that if I put Him first, if I put God first, everything else will fall in to place. That I will be blessed from my efforts of trying, not perfection. That I will be taken care of with what I can do, and not compared to someone else’s strengths or weaknesses. Just mine. That I will not know and be strengthen unless I experiment upon His word. That I will not be helped unless I do my part to act. And, despite my meager offerings He blesses me beyond measure (Mosiah 2:24).  


The following is a note from Brother Ronald J. Hammond, one of my religion professors while I attended BYU-Idaho, on a paper I wrote reflecting on a general conference talk (Counsel to Youth, President Boyd K. Packer, Oct. 2011).

"... Our deepest desires establish our highest priorities which form our character which determines our eternal reward... All good things come from God; you know that. All things that come from God come in His own time and way; you know that too, but this is the tough one. 'Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side' (Hymn #124). Heavenly Father is on your side. He wants most for you the very thing you want most for you--but He will not risk your full development by rushing things. So, as you have so beautifully expressed, 'in the meantime' go about life helping others, lifting others and nurturing others..." 

I know through personal experience the eternal significance of the divine gift of agency. We are asked to exercise "First Person Faith" as we pass through trials and experiences in this life, but ours is the choice of how to respond to the waves the Lord is using as a means of blowing us towards the promised land (Ether 6, particularly verses 5-12).